These past few weeks have become a blurr. I can hardly remember what has happened, even though I am not doing much with my time...I still feel so unsure about what I am suppose to be doing with my time right now. But the reason I am writing tonight is not related to this, but to the pain I am feeling right now. As I lay here on my bed, all of sudden I am hit by a tremendous amount of pain. Not physical pain, but emotional pain. I have been crying so hard for the past 10 minutes. The reason...Haiti. I truly miss it so much. Not only do I just miss it, but my heart breaks as I think and pray for everyone there and how much I wish to be there, yet am not. Here I sit on my bed, nice, comfy bed, doing NOTHING! The pain I feel is real. I long so much to be there, not here. I can't help but repeat it over and over again, my feelings as to how hard it is be here instead of there. I don't understand. I get what I am doing.
All I want to do is obey God, but this is harder than I could have ever imagined. I have know idea what is going to happen next. I feel so completely lost and alone. Next year sits in the unknown as I have no idea how I am going to pay for it, I feel like I am completly wasting my summer away doing nothing and almost every second of everyday I think of Haiti and although the memories are good and I woudln't trade any of them for anything in the entire world, some of my memories haunt me. When I wake up and realize that the children aren't really next to me and I am not in a tent, but my house, I can't help but cry. I am so frustrated. I know that God is calling me into missons, but how can I do that if I don't know what I am suppose to do. I don't even know if any of this is making any sense!!! These are just my thoughts, frustrations and pain.
What am I to do?? How do I go when I don't even know where I am to go to? How do I stay strong when I can hardly move at all? Where am I suppose to go after I graduate? How am I suppose to be pay all my debt back? How am I suppose to pay to continue to live? I FEEL LIKE MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!
I feel so far away from God and it is the worst feeling in the entire world. Maybe that is why the pain feels so real.
Read, read, read and meditate, meditate, meditate on God's Word and keep praying for direction and He is FAITHFUL and WILL use you... maybe you aren't suppose to be doing anything major right now other then drawing yourself closer to HIM and preparing for Thailand...count your blessings!! Your "debt" is so small compared to a lot of college students...Look at how far God has brought you and what He has done....REMEMBER. Hasn't He provided EVERYTHING you have needed for the past three years as you have taken steps of faith and obedience?
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