40 days!

In 40 days I will be on a plane, heading for Thailand! That is so crazy to think about really. People keep asking me if I am ready and if I am nervous? The whole traveling and living abroad for a while is not what makes me nervous, it is student teaching that gives me the chills. I know I can do it and am very excited, but I am still a little nervous! Being out of school for a while, I am just slightly worried that maybe I won't remember how to handle things in the classroom or be able to teach the chidlren good enough. I have been reviewing some stuff, but still, it is kind of scary to think about. I'm super pumped though because my cooperating teacher is wonderful and I look forward to working with her! Plus, Thailand will be amazing :)

Switching the subject...

God has really been teaching me, once again, about how I need to put ALL my trust in HIM and Him alone! Like I have said before, I have no idea how I am going to pay for school next year. There aren't many options for me. It is nerve wrecking trying to figure out how I am going to make it through my last year! BUT this is not my problem. God promises to take care of me, all I need to do is trust and seek and follow after Him, with all my heart. I recieved an email yesterday stating that I have been approved for the loan I applied for! God is good. This loan was the only option I had to pay for school next year. Although getting further into debt is not my ideal plan, I have no choice. Thinking about how long it will take for me to be released from my debt is one of the worst feelings in the world and I have been wrestling with it a lot lately. After I graduate next year, paying off my debt will "tie" me down. What this really means, I don't know, but God knows what is going to happen and why I am going to have to stay here for a while and pay back my debt. I don't regret going to Crown at all! Who knows where I would be right now if I wouldn't have listened and obeyed in June 2007!! I know without a shadow of doubt in my mind, Crown is where God wants me! I just start thinking about the "future" and get overwhelmed. I ask questions like how am I am going to be able to pay it all back? I thought you wanted me to go God? I say to myself, that is impossible, but...GOD JUST PROVIDED EVERYTHING I NEEDED FOR THAILAND, RIGHT DOWN TO THE PENNY!! I look back further at all that God has done for me in the past and realize, DUH!, God does love me and WILL take care of me! I don't have to worry I have a father who cares about me more deeply than anyone ever can. He sees the bigger picture and understands why I am upset BUT wants me to come to him and admit that without him I can't do it...I keep hearing one little question over and over in my head, "Katelyn, do you trust me?" I love God and want to serve him no matter what. I want him more than anything, even more than to be in Haiti right now (which is a lot!). I just need to keep my eyes focused on Him and remember all that he has done for me.

I have absolutely NO idea what the future holds for me, but I don't need to know that. All I need to know is more about God. I need more of Him. When I seek after him, he will give me the desires of my heart, he will give my dreams wings. I could ramble on and on about the plans that I could make for myself, but as hard as it is not to do that, I think I like it better this way. ALL I AM FOR HIM, I can't be in the picture! This has been a big struggle for me. When God is telling me no, no I can't be in Haiti right now, but I watch my friends go and be the hands and feet of Jesus, it literally kills me. I am always thinking and praying for Haiti and all of the people I love and miss there. But it is not about me, it is about God and my place is not Haiti right now. Just a few days ago God finally got through my thick head...I NEED TO LOVE GOD MORE AND SEEK HIM. period. end of story. So, this is what I am going to do. He is the only one I need and the only one who can help me and sustain me. I WILL TRUST HIM! My life is in Him, my hope, my strength...it is all in Him!

It is all about you, Jesus.
It's not about me, as if you should do things my way.
You alone are God and surrender to your ways!

Never stop seeking the Lord!

Thank you to those of you who have been praying for me! Please keep praying for not only me, but Haiti as well. I will keep you all updated as I get closer to leaving for Thailand and such!

In Christ,
Katelyn

The pain is real

These past few weeks have become a blurr. I can hardly remember what has happened, even though I am not doing much with my time...I still feel so unsure about what I am suppose to be doing with my time right now. But the reason I am writing tonight is not related to this, but to the pain I am feeling right now. As I lay here on my bed, all of sudden I am hit by a tremendous amount of pain. Not physical pain, but emotional pain. I have been crying so hard for the past 10 minutes. The reason...Haiti. I truly miss it so much. Not only do I just miss it, but my heart breaks as I think and pray for everyone there and how much I wish to be there, yet am not. Here I sit on my bed, nice, comfy bed, doing NOTHING! The pain I feel is real. I long so much to be there, not here. I can't help but repeat it over and over again, my feelings as to how hard it is be here instead of there. I don't understand. I get what I am doing.

All I want to do is obey God, but this is harder than I could have ever imagined. I have know idea what is going to happen next. I feel so completely lost and alone. Next year sits in the unknown as I have no idea how I am going to pay for it, I feel like I am completly wasting my summer away doing nothing and almost every second of everyday I think of Haiti and although the memories are good and I woudln't trade any of them for anything in the entire world, some of my memories haunt me. When I wake up and realize that the children aren't really next to me and I am not in a tent, but my house, I can't help but cry. I am so frustrated. I know that God is calling me into missons, but how can I do that if I don't know what I am suppose to do. I don't even know if any of this is making any sense!!! These are just my thoughts, frustrations and pain.

What am I to do?? How do I go when I don't even know where I am to go to? How do I stay strong when I can hardly move at all? Where am I suppose to go after I graduate? How am I suppose to be pay all my debt back? How am I suppose to pay to continue to live? I FEEL LIKE MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!

I feel so far away from God and it is the worst feeling in the entire world. Maybe that is why the pain feels so real.