My struggles, my thoughts...

So much has happened since I last wrote. I have been going through a lot lately and decided to update you all on what has been sort of going on. I finally have some "down time" (aka. I am done with stupid homework for the night. I just can't do anymore!) Oh, and sorry this is kind of long. I haven't written in a while. Got to catch up!

My trip to Haiti was truly amazing! I miss it very much. It is a struggle every day to be here instead of there. My heart literally aches! I have never felt this kind of ache before. This week is the 3rd week since we got back and I am now just starting to come out of my reverse culture shock, if that is what you want to call it. Mostly, it is just that I long to be with Jaz and Greg and all the kids at the orphanage and all the people in Haiti in general that I struggle. Haiti is one amazing places, even though it is definitely what you call a disaster area right now, it is so beautiful from the trees and mountains to the people! Jaz and Greg though, they never cease to amaze me. They are running their orphanage, of 38 kids, out of hot, sticky tents and now with the rainy season the mud has arrived. It is just insane. And the nursing students and everyone at the nursing school, they amaze me as well. They have been through so much, yet they keep going and laugh and praise God along the way?!?!? WOW! Talk about humbling! Everyone is so strong, only God could be the answer to how they have strength every morning.

I find it interesting that even though Haiti was hot, sticky and filled with lots of interesting bugs and animals, I miss it. Most of you know that I am not a bug girl, camping girl, outdoors girl or one to be in a hot, sticky, humid climate, BUT I WANT TO BE IN HAITI RIGHT NOW. God has truly done a work in my life. When I was down there, it didn't matter. Those people didn't care what I smelt or looked like! It was eye opening in many different ways. It is so easy to get caught up with things that just don't matter!!! It is hard to explain in words really. Seeing those pepole and how they live day in a day out has really begun to strike me hard. I want to share with you want happened to me Sunday night.

Sunday was a hard day for me. Well, actaully it was just one of the many, many hard days I have been having since getting back from Haiti. There have just been a lot of things going on in my life. One, it is April and I am a junior Teacher Education major, that speaks for itself. Two, I am preparing to leave in the end of July to travel to Bangkok, Thailand to student teach for 10 weeks, there is a lot to do with this process and it can become overwhelming. Three, our teacher education department is going through some major changes right now, change is always hard. Two great professors are leaving, it is just hard. Four, I don't exactly what to be in the United States, I want to be 2185 miles south. Five, there are a lot things up in the air about where I am going to be working and such during the summer and how I am going to pay for school next year. I just have no idea. So, there is a quite a bit of stuff going through my mind. It is a lot easier to just give into focusing on all of it and losing sight of what really matters. This is what happened on Sunday night. I lost it (for the 2nd time in a week I might add)

I had just gotten back from my weekend in Indiana around 11pm. I was at my overseas student teaching orientation conference, which was good, but overwheleming. It was long 13 hour journey back. I was tired and my back was killing me. I was so angry. I don't really know why. I just know I was angry, upset and sad. The stress started the minute I stepped in my room. (Well, the stress is always there it just became more real once I got back!) I began to think about everything. A week prior to this day I had a literal mental break down where I was hyper-ventelating in my car driving back from work. I looked at the big picgture and was letting the stress get to me. I had my eyes focused on the waves, instead of Jesus like they should be. It is hard to describe how I felt and have been feeling. It is almost like I am literally fighting myself inside and...words can't even begin to describe it. It was so nice out Sunday that after I unpacked I decided to go for a walk and talk with God. I was upset and just needed time with him. So, I walked to the area behind our apartment and sat under the big tree. I just had no energy. The stars were twinkling so beautifully in the sky as I just sat there so numb and emotionless. I didn't know what to do. I have come to my breaking point. I didn't even know where to begin with God. So, I just sat there for probably about 10 minutes. Listening to the wind blow and looking at stars. I felt so clueless and empty. I couldn't move. I felt so alone, sad and ready to just get in my car and drive home, being done with school and life in general. What was the point??? I had no desire for anything anymore and began (well, continued) to listen to the lies. This is so dangerous. I began to just talk to God and told him flat out what was going on. But I could feel myself getting more upset so I stopped. What was going on??? Thankfully my Heavenly Father cares so much about me that he didn't give up on me and brought me back to him. After about probably another 5 minutes I began to sing 1 of the 4 songs I know in Creole and immediately began balling I could hardly get through the song. I could barely breath as I just wept and wept and wept. This was hardest I have cried since the week of Jan. 12th.

As I was sitting there singing, or trying to sing, it hit me. "I'm so pathetic. Here I sit thinking my life is so hard and stressful?? I DON'T THINK SO!" Let me explain. Here I am in a nice country, good house to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, a nice, hot shower with great water pressure, and the list just keeps going on. My problems just DON'T MATTER. All my "stress" doesn't even compare to what the people in Haiti are going through. They are all going through so much with the rain and mud now. Tents are collapsing and the aftershocks are still striking and striking hard. My stress can never EVER measure up to anything one person is going through in Haiti right now. I sat there weeping and finally took a breath. I was so happy that God pulled me back, even though it was painful and it look a lot of tears. I needed a reality check.

Monday was hard. I felt like I was in a fog, just walking around. Again, the words are hard to come by when trying to describe how I was feeling. I just knew I was struggling... Sitting in classes was tough and it was just, for lack of better words, a crappy day. I tried to focus on God, but it was so hard. Satan was trying to mess with my mind. Somehow, I made it through the day. BUT today (Wednesday) I finally think God got my attention...FINALLY!! It was so hard. I had another melt down, in chapel of course. God really spoke to me. I am literally at the end of my rope. That is the only way to describe it. Everything, in my eyes, is falling apart and the ground is shaking and I have lost control. (Even though I never really had control before but...whatever). This is probably the best spot I have ever been in though. Crying is how I release things to God. As I sat there after chapel and just cried I was able to just give him all my stress and everything. He sent people into my path to pray with me and help me, but mostly He opened my eyes again and spoke to me. For at least 10 minutes all that I could think about what this, "God is enough for me. He is big enough." I seriously couldn't think anything else. God was speaking loud and clear! I can say right now that I did lay my burdens down, it is not in my hands anymore. And it is the best decision I have ever made. I can't do this, I am right, but God can! I am his and he is mine!! Even though I have to constantly remind myself of that and of who God is. GOD IS ENOUGH FOR ME! That is what it comes down to. If God can be enough for the people in Haiti and they can keep going, WHY CAN'T I???????

God gave me this really good verse when I went on a walk with him this afternoon. It is Psalm 93...

1 The LORD reigns, he is robed in majesty;
the LORD is robed in majesty
and is armed with strength.
The world is firmly established;
it cannot be moved.

2 Your throne was established long ago;
you are from all eternity.

3 The seas have lifted up, O LORD,
the seas have lifted up their voice;
the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.

4 Mightier than the thunder of the great waters,
mightier than the breakers of the sea—
the LORD on high is mighty.

5 Your statutes stand firm;
holiness adorns your house
for endless days, O LORD.


That is who God is and I choose Him! HE IS BIG ENOUGH! He is the only thing I have in my life that is never changing, never shakes, loves me unconditionally, is my strongtower I'm running to.

So, if you are having a rough time right now, stop! Think about what is really going on. Go to God! Matthew 11:28 ""Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Also though, please remember that Haiti still needs help. There is so much you can still do. Pray, give, go. If you want to know how you can help the orphanage or nursing school or anything, comment or facebook me. DON'T FORGET HAITI!!!! Be a good steward of all God has blessed you with. (This is another struggle I am facing. God has blessed me so much, it is ridiculous. I hate it and don't understand. But I do know that because I am so blessed I need to be good steward of what I have and help those who need it!)

Wow, long blog! Thanks for all who took the time to read this, but if there is one thing I want you to get out of this is GOD IS BIG ENOUGH AND DOES CARE (Well, I guess two things, also, REMEMBER HAITI!!) I will blog again soon!

All my love in His precious name,
Katelyn