The question I heard God speak to me as millions of thoughts filled my mind tonight. Thoughts that were not from Him, but from my enemy. With the end of not only the school year approaching, but my undergrad journey, life seems to be going a million miles a second and breathing becomes harder. It is getting harder to remember who God says he is and remember how much he has done for me these past few years. It is easier to doubt. Maybe that is why James warns us against it so much. How much do I believe God, really believe Him? If I am quick to answer, I would say of course I do, but then my actions do not match up with what I am saying. If I really believed in God that means I would not worry about anything. I would literally take each day as it came, but see, I don't...this is wrong. I forget so easily who God is. I start to try to do everything on my own because I "know" what I am doing. Oh boy, am I in trouble now. Thankfully, God's never ending grace can save me from this horrible trap I have gotten myself into. But see, this is so tough. That means letting completely go. Letting go of the future and all that comes with that. Letting go of relationships. Letting go of finances.
I am at a spot where God is uprooting me and going to move me, BUT TO WHERE? I am so anxious and it is eating me alive. There are so many ifs and buts, I can't stand it anymore. I am becoming so consumed with trying to figure it all out myself that I no longer have my eyes on God. As I lay here on my bed and type, I am almost in tears again...fear of the unknown is a battle I am fighting, hard. Only God can give me peace that passes all understanding. He is what I need now, more than ever before. I look back and see how God has done so much in me and I see how much I have grown, but wow, do I still have so much more growing to do.
As most of you know, God has begun to do some great work in my life and opened my eyes to missions, going to Haiti and Thailand in the past year and half. I never thought I would be a mission overseas, but in the past few years God has been really working on my heart. He has truly given me his eyes to see the world the way he does. It is a blessing, yet can be a heavy burden which I have to constantly give over to God and ask him to help me work with. (crazy, huh?) You see, God has given me a new perspective on my life. What does it mean? I don't need have the crap that I have. Of course, being in the states I slowly become more concerned about the materialistic aspects of life, it makes me sick to my stomach really. It begins to eat me from the inside out. I have to have this and that...um, no, I don't! I struggle, don't we all.
With all this said, I have been praying lately about what God has called me to do next with my life. God has been speaking and telling me to take steps of obedience to move to Haiti come this August and teach at the orphanage for a year or two at the minimum. Of course, this requires sacrificing many of my things that keep me in my comfort bubble. But then I read the Bible that I claim to believe in and realize that that is what being a follower of Christ is all about. My life is not mine, but God's. Whether overseas or here in America this is what I am called to do. I feel that the next step I am to take is to go to Haiti and spend some time using the gifts God has given me to change the lives of those children who have nothing. I am so blessed...I NEED TO BLESS OTHERS! And here come the thoughts...oh the never ending thoughts of doubt and fear and whatever else that is not of God at all! It is a constant battle. But see there is so much peace when I think about obey this call on my life, I can hardly explain it to you. In fact, I am not even going to try. I believe that if God wants me to go to Haiti, nothing will stand in the way. Not even student loans. At least I think I believe this...This is what I mean. I look back on the past 4 years and see how much God has provided, when so many said I could never accomplish 4 years at a Christian college, let alone go on 3 mission trips. God is my provider! He can do anything that pleases him. I ask you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, to pray for me. I need to hear God's direction on my life even more. I need him to make it clear to me. I need to stop listening to the lies Satan is throwing at me.
I know that moving to Haiti will be a struggle at times, but not listening to God and not going will be even worse.
James says it well:
"But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves." -James 1:22
period. That sums it all up. ALL I am is for HIM. All for the sake of the living Gospel that so many need to know! Thank you for your prayers and support as I walk along this next journey with God. I love you all.
To God be the Glory, in ALL I do.
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